The confessional: My disease is disdain

Do you ever feel like a fraud? 

I'm not talking about adultery or stealing. I'm talking about faking it spiritually...

There are days, horrible times, when I want to be spiritual and I come before my god in prayer but, quite frankly, I can't be bothered. Shocking I know. And the trouble is I don't know what to do about it...

No easy way to pray.
Photo by Saavem

I know the usual answers. I know how to meditate, I can switch into 'contemplative mode' pretty easily. I know how to come before God in reverence, humility and repentance. But, what I'm trying to say is I've spent over half of my life seeking God in prayer but, at this moment, anything I do just doesn't seem to be enough.

There are things you get taught to do to create a prayerful environment: have a space associated with prayer, eliminate distractions (I know I need to improve here, but I do sometimes manage to switch off my phone); you are supposed to take steps of self examination, deliberately praise and acknowledge your creator. I do try these things, sometimes to a greater or lesser effect... but still, something deep within me doesn't seem to be connecting.

When I come before God, I just find it hard to pray for longer than a few words with integrity. Quite frankly, I'm just that little bit desperate. I know I've been through some big disappointments, I know I need to find hope again and every morning I'm trying, but I can't quite get in touch. 

Once you've tasted chocolate...

If you're not a praying person, you'll probably wonder what I'm so bothered about? But you see, it's something like tasting chocolate and never being able to recreate that flavour again - I've had a taste of intimacy with the divine and I'm hungry for more. It may sound ludicrous to you but please try to sympathize: I carry two wounds, I'm infected with a longing for Jesus, but but I'm also diseased with disdain. 

If anyone is reading this and you've been here, please let me know what i should do? How do you travel the long road back to that sense of awe and divine love again? But please also be honest, only share your views if you really have experienced what I'm talking about.